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Lalalalalalala...I can't HEAR you!

Friday, December 08, 2006

I'm it!

I've been tagged by my dear friend Kimberly. This is officially my first meme.

Dear Santa,

It's been years since we last spoke. Although, I trust you've enjoyed the cookies and milk I've faithfully left out every year (and the occasional beer, but that's just between you and me, Santa). The reason I'm writing this year is that I have undergone a procedure to remove my Bah Humbug (otherwise known as marital seperation) and I'm feeling much more in the Christmas spirit than I have in over a decade. That, and the fact that I won't be seeing many presents under the tree that didn't come from the Dollar Tree, unless you come through for me this one last time.

As I'm sure you know, I have been a very, very good girl. Overlooking a few screaming tirades (per day) and calling in sick every once in a while just so I can get some sleep. And that time I forgot to feed the dog. But, I remember to feed the kids every.single.day. They may not see the inside of a bathtub regularly, but I supply them with plenty of good smelling lotions and hair products to mask the stench. I have done more laundry than I thought was humanly possible and I've even been completely caught up once or twice in the past 12 months, which is an improvement over the previous year.

I voted Democratic and rescued an animal from the shelter this year. I refused to put the smackdown on Bookem at least 968 times this year alone because it wasn't in the children's best interest, even though I would have found it very personally satisfying.

That said, here are the things I would like to see under the tree this year:

1) The Nanny. No, not Fran Drescher, there is enough nonsensical chit chat in annoying high pitched voices going on around my house as it is. No, I'm talking about that Nanny 911 chick. Speaking of smackdowns, my kids need one. Badly.

2) A Boy. My own personal boy of the muscular, shirtless variety to wander around my house and do shit that needs to be done. Including me :) Said boy will keep his opinions to himself and his bodily functions private. And stay out of the Nanny's way.

3) The voice of an Angel. The fact that I cannot carry a tune has never stopped me from singing out loud at the top of my lungs. It would be nice if it sounded as good to others as it apparently does to me.

4) Post baby-body miracle tonic. Extra strength. In chocolate, please. I'm sure you've gotten this request in spades, but please make sure I get mine before your stocks run low. I have had 4 babies and the considerable morphing in my midsection must be stopped and reversed before I exit my 30's. According to Janet Jackson, 40 is the new 20 and I want to look like her when I get there.

5) Mr. Right. I know this is a lot to ask, especially since I already have a Boy on order. But, seriously, if you don't deposit him under my tree, how will I ever find him? In an ideal world, he and the Boy can peacefully co-exist. Ya feel me?

6) A solution to global warming. Earth can be as peaceful as a sleeping baby but it won't matter if it's too damned hot to live here. Oprah and Al Gore really freaked my shit the other day.

7) A winning Lotto ticket. If you give me this one, I promise to send you a Christmas card next year instead of a list. I'll still put out the cookies if you want. Hell, I'll serve you the cookies from a platter perched on top of my brand new post-surgical breasts. Just show me the money!

8) Some Act Right Juice. Not for the kids, they have the Nanny. It's for me. Sometimes I just can't seem to get my shit together and a little help would be appreciated. No, gin does not work. Neither does Prozac. I've tried.

9) A pocket full of Karma. To be dispensed at my discretion to whomever I see fit. My hit list is very full right now, so we better super-size it. And I may need a refill on this next year, regardless of my financial windfall.

10) The ability to suspend time. Really, even with the Nanny and the Boy, I still don't see how there can ever be enough time to get everything done. And I'm going to have a lot of shopping to do.

So you see Santa, I think I'm being quite reasonable. I'm not asking you to deliver me the moon (although the deed to a plot of land up there might not be a bad idea, in case that whole end to global warming thing doesn't pan out).

In the event that you aren't able to come through on any of these perfectly sane requests, something sparkly would be nice. Or something electronic. Or, hell, something that doesn't cost a dollar.

Until next year,

Diane

P.S. Tag Martha and Mingaling, you're it!

posted by *******DIANE******* @ 10:23 AM

1 Comments:

At 2:19 PM, Kimberly said…

Yay! Thanks for playing. :-)
I love your Pocket full of Karma and Boy requests. Hope the big guy in red comes through.