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Lalalalalalala...I can't HEAR you!

Friday, July 28, 2006

Cheer up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate

I've been reading Self Matters by Dr. Phil this week. It's hard to find time for reading anymore, something that I used to do religiously. Most of the stuff I read is fluff, I admit it. Mystery novels, horror stories, a little adventure, sometimes romantic novels with a historical background, conspiracy theories. Lately, my reading has devolved from fluff to outright crap. US Weekly, People Magazine and the like. Hey, it's all I have time for! And that's usually on the toilet :)

But, I'm basically in such a bad place right now mentally that I need all the help I can get, including that which comes in the form of self help books written by t.v. talk show hosts.

I've not historically been a big Dr. Phil fan. In fact, I only recently started watching his shows at all. I was an Oprah fan back in the day. And I'm talking waaaay back in the day. Like wearing-size-10's-with-a-black-turtle-neck-gigantic-head-and-pulling-a-red-wagon-full-of-fat back in the day. But, I've come back into Oprah's fold and began to wonder why I ever left it. I think it's because watching all the stories of strong women and women who are not so strong but really want to be, made me realize that I fall into the latter category. And it was just too painful to watch. So I shunned Oprah. I'm sorry O. I'm sorry me.

Dr. Phil was a similar story. Since I wasn't actively watching Oprah during Dr. Phil's heyday there, I really had no reason to think he was all bomb diggety like some of my friends did. And when he got his own show, again, too painful to watch. Why would I want to watch some couple revealing horrible relationship flaws and trying to fix them? So I would have to consider my own? No thanks. Not for me.

But lately, I haven't been able to hide. And facing certain demons seems inevitable. So, I've given Dr. Phil an inch. And he has taken a mile.

This book I'm reading is really good shit. I picked it up off of my mom's bookshelf thinking that I need a good book about getting back my self esteem. Mom belongs to several book clubs and keeps the books whether she ordered them or not.

So far, and I'm only on the 2nd chapter or something, this books main focus is "getting back to your authentic self". At one point, the good doctor talks about remembering a time in your life when you were the happiest you've ever been, when you were the most real. A time when your life "flowed with energy and excitement", when you were "free from self doubt" and had "an unshakeable understanding of your own self worth". And on and on. So here we are, right in the beginning of the search for my authentic self and already I'm thinking, "Crap, I don't have an authentic self". Cause I don't remember any of those things he's talking about. Even as a child, I doubted my self worth. The farther I thought back, the more I realized that even my earliest memories are filled with self doubt and self hatred.

Which brings us to last night. The kids and I went swimming around 9 p.m. I've been enjoying a little night swimming with all this heat we've been having lately and the kids have been upset about it because they want to swim with me. I just can't bring myself to do it most afternoons. And when I swim at night, I prefer to do it alone. Soo much more relaxing that way. But last night, I gave in and the whole bunch of us went swimming (minus Bookem, who is an eternal stick in the mud).

Part of what I don't like about swimming with the kids, particularly in a pool as small as ours (only 5 ft. at the deep end), is I'm constantly getting splashed in the face, climbed on and called to. "Mom! Look!", "Mom! Watch me!", "Mom! Can you do this?" Sigh.

So, last night, I'm standing in the middle of the pool, holding onto Scooby's little ladybug floatie, and forcing myself to watch yet another completely fascinating leap from the edge of the pool by Queenie. A somewhat modified dive this time since the pool is so shallow.

And it hits me.

When I was Queenie's age, or there abouts, I can remember standing on the edge of the pool, feeling totally confidant in my body and it's ability to be athletic and graceful and beautiful. I was full of excitement and joy and laughter then. Maybe not all the time. But in those certain moments when I was swimming or doing gymnastics or dancing. I was proud of myself. I didn't feel self doubt. I was a sun-kissed goddess. I remember that feeling now. I see it in Queenie every day.

Now, Dr. Phil, where do I go from here? I can't wait to find out.

posted by *******DIANE******* @ 8:57 AM

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